Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
