just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
