so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
So vagazzling was a success
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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