I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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