I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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