i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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