The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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