Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
from now on my penis is your penis
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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