I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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