dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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