The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
