Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
