i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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