Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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