I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
