Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize