If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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