I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
