The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
