he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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