We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
