Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize