Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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