We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
