I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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