Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
