Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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