I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
are you so shy because you have an std?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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