please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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