My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize