I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
