I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
