whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
