I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
