So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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