Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
