Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
