Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
