I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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