We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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