his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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