Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
