Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
