Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
