I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
