her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
