I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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