I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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