Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
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