I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
