Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
