**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
