I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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