I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
