apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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